I have been thinking about attachments because I am working on a course that walks through some of the ways that the brain works and one of the brain’s levels is the attachment level. It’s at the very base and apparently, it affects everything else. If you’ve done any work with your story or with trauma you probably are familiar with the different attachment styles.
Those who had primary caregivers who were absent, even emotionally, will probably have a dismissive/avoidant attachment style. Those whose grew up never knowing what to expect from their caregivers might have a disorganized attachment style. There is nothing we can do about the attachment style we grew up with. We learned it because it helped us to survive. It is also generally not something we can change. We can only notice it, observe when we’re falling into it, and hold it with honesty and compassion.
We don’t so much change by our beliefs, information, or telling ourself certain truths, but rather, we become like the person or thing we’re attached to. This, of course, is why we end up modeling behavior from our parents that we wish we didn’t model. It will naturally happen because of the way the brain is designed. If we want to act a different way than the person we grew up attached to, then we need to find people that we want to model, and spend time with them.
This make sense to me. I can see it written in my own story. But what I’ve been sitting with and trying to understand more fully is — what part of us attaches? Is it the ego? My understanding, probably more from what I’ve read than what I actually know for myself to be true, is that the true self doesn’t need to attach.
I read this by Richard Rohr, “Our ego self is always attached to mere externals, since it has no inner substance itself. The ego defines itself by its attachments and revulsions. The soul does not attach, nor does it hate; it desires and loves and lets go.”
I do not understand this exactly but I have looked at my own heart and noticed that in the past four years my desires are awakening quite passionately. I am full of desires — good, beautiful, spacious, life-giving desires. There was a time of my life when I had shut down many of my desires so it feels hopeful that I’m seeing them now. Something in me is awakening. I am also full of love. It is one of my core values and my heart is big and abundant in love. Which brings me to “letting go” and I think this is where I struggle the most.
I think anyone who grew up with a scarcity mindset struggles to let go. What if there isn’t enough for me? What if I’m abandoned? What if I let go and then never receive the thing I need? This was my experience many times throughout my childhood and these things tend to follow us into adulthood. My fear shows up in both small and big ways. For example, at the beginning of this week, my kid’s school got a delay on Monday because of the weather. Monday is my day to write and do the creative work that brings me alive. A two hour delay cuts significantly into my time, especially since I do my best work in the morning. I can immediately feel the panic of scarcity in my body over news like this. Will there be enough for me? Will I emotionally starve? Will I have to give more than I have to offer? As it turned out, school was canceled completely and the entire day I had hoped for was gone. Pouf.
But somehow I have to teach my body that this is okay. I’m not a helpless child any longer who can do nothing about it. If I need more time alone I can set up my life accordingly. If I feel overwhelmed, I can leave. I am not trapped in my trauma, as my body wants me to believe. A lot of soothing may be required. And also the realization of what is happening and the ability to look at my life from the outside (from they eyes of “the witness,” my true self) and to see that this is only a part of me that is getting triggered. My soul is just fine. She is untouched. She is living in the flow, beloved at all times, and able to live in her belovedness. She is able to be authentic in her desire, abundant in her love, and confident in living unattached.