I am part of a beautiful community of contemplative women. They have brought more goodness, life, healing, and freedom to my life than I ever imagined possible. One of the things they offer each month is a Sanctuary gathering where we meet with the purpose of together looking to the Divine.
Last month our leader led us through a practice of praying with images, and it was so beautiful that I felt compelled to write about it.
First she invited us to think of an experience … maybe one that was top of mind. That was easy for me. Something had happened just the day before that I had been thinking about ever since. It was something I experience often and deeply connects to one of my root fears of abandonment. Whenever this happens and this fear gets triggered, I tend to fall back to my coping mechanisms rather than living from my true self. I know that I do this, but most times in the moment when I am triggered, I can’t seem to help myself.
We were then invited to consider what feelings arose around that experience. For me there was fear, apprehension, expectation of resistance or withdrawal, and tightness in my chest. She showed us some images and asked if any of them — or one we might have — felt like it connected to our experience. None of the images shown felt quite right but when I closed my eyes immediately I got the image of a black swirling hole, like a sideways tornado. It was so dark in there that I could not see anything. I felt afraid that if I stepped in I would get ripped to pieces. Who knows what monsters or devils were in there? Who knows what horror awaited me?
Next she asked us to imagine a scene — maybe a favorite place or somewhere that were drawn to. I have lots of those special places but when I tried to go there in my mind something was stopping me. I had the sense that I was to stay with the black hole. She invited us to imagine the Divine (whatever that looked like for us) with us at the place.
When I looked around me there was no one there, but I felt as if I was supposed to start walking into the black hole. I stepped in and was surprised to find that it wasn’t rough at all. The black was gently swirling around me and felt kind-of fluffy. And then I saw that I wasn’t alone.
There were three people in there with me. Immediately I thought of the old story I grew up with about the three men who were thrown into a fiery furnace, only to find out that there was a fourth man in there with them. My image was Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in reverse.
I followed the three as they walked over to a table and began setting it. “You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies.” By this time I was weeping.
I am often my own worst enemy, and yet I found that when I walked into the face of my fears I had the full support of the Three-In-One, and they were preparing a banquet for me. Right there in the black hole.
As we all sat down I began to really notice their faces.
Each member had two faces.
When I looked into Papa’s face I knew that I had a protector and someone with whom I could talk to about all my troubles and big emotions and it would never, ever be too much for him. I was completely safe.
The other side of Papa's face was Mama Grace and she was looking at me with such tenderness I could hardly bear it. If I needed nurturing I would come to her. I could talk to her about my creative ideas and the things I wanted to birth, for she deeply understands birthing. She also understands my feminine body and all its beauty and wonder and uniqueness.
Beside them sat Jesus — he was brother and friend. His eyes were playful, as if he wanted to go on adventures with me. I knew that I could talk to him about my wild ideas and huge imaginative thoughts, and he would engage with me in exactly the way I most needed. He would also defend me, and stay with me always.
The other side of his face was sister Jesus. She was my dear, dear bosom friend — lighthearted and fun, but also savagely for me.
Then there was Spirit — and Spirit was Lover. Passionate, wild, jealous, tender, ravishingly beautiful, and erotic. All of these faces revealed wisdom and light, and never-ending goodness and grace.
To my great surprise, when I looked for the other side of Spirit, it was my own dear face staring back at me. I thought of Catherine of Genoa’s words, “My deepest me is God” and somehow it made perfect sense without feeling sacrilegious. As if Jesus’ prayer about “being one just as We are one” was coming true before my eyes.
The leader of our Sanctuary gathering talked about how she has had certain images that she has prayed with for years. And I wondered if maybe this image was meant to stay with me. Maybe it would carry me through those times when I felt afraid or lonely or when all my egoic parts were screaming to run and hide or draw my sword and start whacking at whatever is closest or even those times when I am in such pain that I disassociate completely. Maybe the black hole — and God knows, there are so many black holes throughout a person’s life — was actually an invitation to dine with the Three-In-One. Maybe the black hole would become a place of delight and awe, a place of companionship and connection. Maybe the black hole is this invitation:
Let Us lead you to the banquet hall for
Our banner over you is Love.
Song of Songs 2:4